Post 8: Friendship (a mother’s point of view)

Hello Readers.
My son isn’t speaking to anyone at the moment. Previously, this had been of no concern.
As the mother of an extreme introvert you learn which signs to be on alert for and silence is hardly one of them.  That was before “the girl”.  Since my son has repeatedly and vehemently insisted that there is no interest platonic or otherwise on his part, I had taken to thinking of her as his closest friend here in Japan.
I was hopeful when we moved that due to the circumstances he might be inspired (or forced) to make friends outside of family.  I am disappointed, not in him, but in me, for setting expectations far too high for my child.  I should know better.
I digress, the reason I am concerned now is this:  He isn’t speaking to “the girl”.  This is alarming!  For months now I have seen him speak more than usual in her presence. It was no longer unusual for him to have full length conversations with her.  This was previously unheard of for my son.
Of course, I had to ask about why he was giving “the girl” the cold shoulder.  If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be typing my heart out right now.  It took some gentle coaxing and tea, but a mother knows how to get information out of her child.
It seems the two got into a childish argument, with neither of them handling it well. I’m not surprised because he is, after all, my son.  His grasp on his on emotions is tenuous at best which leaves me with little hope of how he handled the emotions of a second person, especially a teenage girl.  My son offending people is not uncommon; his being concerned after the fact is.  This all set the stage for a mother to son talk, one that was desperately needed. I’m sharing some aspects of it here in case anyone else could benefit from it.
My son, you will offend people your whole life.  You know this, I know this. I want you to know that statement is true for every single person.  You are not unique in this aspect of life.
You will make friends your whole life. Some friendships are instantaneous and others are earned over time.  Time will show you the true value of the relationships you choose to have in your life.
Friendships that end hurt every time.
Friendships that end hurt every time.
Sometimes friends are toxic, sometimes we are the toxic ones.  Every friendship and every day is an opportunity to learn and grow.
Sometimes enemies become friends.
Friends surprise you and friends hurt you.  You are always entitled to your reactions and your feelings are valid, AS ARE THEIRS.
Friendships and relationships are only as scary as you are scared of them.
You can choose to brave the risk of getting hurt.
You can choose not to.
Whatever you do you get to decide, you get to choose.
Think about what choice you want to make, and what the cost might be.
Which one can you look yourself in the mirror and accept yourself for having made?
I don’t always choose friendship. Some relationships need to end. They are the branches in your life that you prune away in fall to grow back fuller in spring. Winter tests what you have, stripping away all that is less than; spring reveals what survived.
When I have chosen friendship I have not regretted it once, even when I was proven wrong. I am sorry for your discomfort, and yet I will not pull you from it. It is called growing pain for a reason and I will not be the one to stunt your growth because of my own incapabilities.
It is hard to know how much sank in beneath the surface because my handsome son wears a stone face so often, but a mother’s eyes never fail her. I saw the wheels beginning to turn, and his lips pursed. My pouty child, how I put up with him I’ll never know.
It was a pleasant surprise when he asked to go to the store later to get “chocolate stars”. Knowing that my son hates chocolate, and “the girl’s” favourite sweet being the one previously mentioned, I just smiled to myself and grabbed the keys. Friendship is hard, no matter the ages involved. I am relieved seeing that he values the one he stumbled into here in our new home.
I am not normally so emotional, but I find myself missing friends who are no longer here and wishing we had more time together.
I hope this finds you open and willing to connect with others in your life, as I am inspired anew to do, thanks to my brave child.
Love,

Lynn

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